What Are You Doing Right Now
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There are going to be some rough times. My daughter cried for basically the first 7 days of her life. It was really rough for my wife and I, but we soldiered on and a few weeks later she was smiling at us and cooing. The first smile she gave me was worth the days of crying.
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@Kelly Not above or against counseling. When I lost my dad a year ago I met with someone to make sure I was processing it in a healthy way. I think it's a useful tool
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@coliver said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@wirestyle22 When I was born I was given just a few hours to live. My parents took some very risky, and at the time experimental, steps via surgery to extend my life a few days. I went through an 8 hour surgery when I was just a few hours old. My parents didn't know if I was going to live or not, even if the surgery was successful they were warned that I probably wouldn't live much past 3 or 4.
I never wanted to go through what my parents went through. So when we got pregnant I never became very attached, she never seemed real to me. It wasn't until I watched her being born that I started to fall in love. It's really an amazing feeling something unlike anything else, it's not like loving your partner at all something much different but equally rewarding.
I'll echo @scottalanmiller and my parents. I would much rather experience this feeling then not having known it existed. (Isn't there a Shakespear quote for this?)
As an aside you should look into the effects of pregnancy on the brain chemistry of both the mother and father it is truly fascinating.
I'm glad you're alive man! That is a wild story.
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Let me tell you guys the story of why I feel the way I do about this. Laura and I have a family friend who got pregnant with her husband. They were so happy. Did everything right. The mother was overweight when she got pregnant and developed gestational diabetes (I'm unsure if that contributed to what eventually happened). They went the entire 8.5 months with everything being fine. Got their last checkup before giving birth and the baby had passed away. No real cause given as far as I know. When this happens so close to birth, you still need to give birth the baby even though it isn't alive anymore. This isn't a news story, it's a person I know.
As much as something like this would change me forever (and I really mean forever), I don't think my fear is for myself but rather for Laura. I can't give birth for her. I can't do any of it for her. If something happens I'll be powerless to stop it. That sort of thing.
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@wirestyle22 we had to fly back to the States not so long ago to be with family that had something very similar happen. It was nearly time for the baby and suddenly the very healthy baby was just... gone. My older sister was like that too, just before she was to be born, she didn't make it. It's been 49 years since my parents lost her and she is still very much in my father's thoughts every day (my mom passed over a decade ago.) That's not something that will ever go away. But I don't think that they ever regretted giving her a chance. Sure it's been terrible for them, and it took them nearly a decade to try again with me and after I was born they stopped (wouldn't you) but I don't think that they regret it.
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@wirestyle22 said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
Let me tell you guys the story of why I feel the way I do about this. Laura and I have a family friend who got pregnant with her husband. They were so happy. Did everything right. The mother was overweight when she got pregnant and developed gestational diabetes (I'm unsure if that contributed to what eventually happened). They went the entire 8.5 months with everything being fine. Got their last checkup before giving birth and the baby was gone. No real cause given as far as I know. When this happens so close to birth, you still need to give birth the baby even though it isn't alive anymore. This isn't a news story, it's a person I know.
As much as something like this would change me forever (and I really mean forever), I don't think my fear is for myself but rather for Laura. I can't give birth for her. I can't do any of it for her. If something happens I'll be powerless to stop it. That sort of thing.
Statistically late term miscarriages are less than a percent. Still births (where the baby was fine at the last appointment but isn't at delivery) are even rarer. I generally find comfort in numbers.
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@wirestyle22 said
As much as something like this would change me forever (and I really mean forever), I don't think my fear is for myself but rather for Laura. I can't give birth for her. I can't do any of it for her. If something happens I'll be powerless to stop it. That sort of thing.
It might change you for the better. You never know how life will turn out.
Just gotta love yourself and the people close to you and hope it all works out.
Oh, and drink alcohol.
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@coliver My brain finds comfort in it but my feelings don't
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Laura asked me last night what purpose our lives serve if we don't have kids? She's right. I would sit and play video games my entire life, learn as much as I could and then die. Seems pointless. It doesn't shake my fear though.
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@scottalanmiller I'm sorry that happened. I lost a brother similarly and I always wonder what he would've been like. I have 2 brothers and a sister. I'd still like another
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@wirestyle22 said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@coliver My brain finds comfort in it but my feelings don't
Not to be morbid, but 80% of miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks. After that your risk goes down significantly every week. I think in the third trimester your risk is something like 1 in 160.
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@coliver Yeah. I keep seeing statistically unlikely things happen. I appreciate the thought though. Not trying to just deny it all
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I'll think on it. Thanks ML
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@wirestyle22 said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
Laura asked me last night what purpose our lives serve if we don't have kids? She's right. I would sit and play video games my entire life, learn as much as I could and then die. Seems pointless. It doesn't shake my fear though.
I know that a lot of people put their whole purpose in live is to pass long their genes, but I don't buy that, not as the dominate species on this planet. We no longer need to work that way.
You can use your life for whatever you want. What makes playing video games and learning below having progeny? Other people's opinions that what - and really I just stopped listening. People used to give me a hard time about not having/wanting kids. It's just not my mission in life, nor does it need to be.
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@Dashrender It's definitely a choice that can be made and respected. It's more about my fear than it is about whether or not someone should have a kid
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@Dashrender said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
I know that a lot of people put their whole purpose in live is to pass long their genes, but I don't buy that, not as the dominate species on this planet. We no longer need to work that way.
You can use your life for whatever you want. What makes playing video games and learning below having progeny? Other people's opinions that what - and really I just stopped listening. People used to give me a hard time about not having/wanting kids. It's just not my mission in life, nor does it need to be.
I'm with you--we can do whatever we want in this life since there are 7+ billion of us . I'm a wholly selfish person, and I constantly flip-flop on whether I want kids of my own. I love my niece and the majority of kids I come in contact with, but at the end of the day I enjoy the endless freedom I have.
I think at this point, if anything, I'd like to adopt. I was born with a congenital heart defect that I'd rather not risk passing on, plus there are numerous children in the US and the world that need love and a good home.
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@wirestyle22 said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@Dashrender It's definitely a choice that can be made and respected. It's more about my fear than it is about whether or not someone should have a kid
We all have those fears - though I suppose when it comes to life most people consider it the pinnacle of concern, and if life is lost that other life can't continue. Clearly we see that on the new nearly every day. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is probably nothing anyone can say to assuage your fears, but we're here to talk if you need us
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I totally understand how you feel, I felt the same way not too long ago. We just took the jump, at the end of last year, my wife and I decided it was time to grow our family.
We are currently at week 30 with 4 days and we are expecting a beautiful baby girl at the end of October or beginnings of November.
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@wirestyle22 The fears and anxiety have not gone away, BUT HOPE, HAPPINNESS, LOVE and so many other great feelings have surpassed them.
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I would say you will never feel like you are ready to have a kid. There's always one more thing to be done before having kids, more money to be made, a safer world to make...
No... I would say do it while you are young so that you don't have the problem a couple of my friends had -- their parents were too old / unhealthy to play baseball with them and other such things.
I speak from experience at watching two friends overcome the loss of their first child (they just had their second a couple of weeks ago -- I'm an uncle again, lol. yay!). I'm also speaking from experience at being the old child who was preceded by an older sister who died before I was born. You never recover from it, really. But you learn life keeps going. Just do the same thing yesterday you did the day before... Put one foot in front of the other and smile like you mean it.
There's nothing quite like being a parent. But you
losefight through that fear of what-if... at least my wife and I did... Youlosefight through that fear of what-if, and you tackle whatever comes your way.[My kid is 5 years old, and has a speech impairment that he is working through]
