What Are You Doing Right Now
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I was in the same boat as you. Petrified of having kids. What if I wasn't a good dad? What if something was wrong with the kid? What if, what if? But do you know what "What If" implies? "I can't." And I knew I could.
The night before my wife and I were starting on the journey, I asked my mom how my dad knew he was ready. She said he was never really ready, but from the day I was born, I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
And that's when I decided to just trust that everything would be OK, and I've never looked back.
There's a lot of sacrifice, and heartbreak, and everything, but as many have echoed here, it's probably the best thing that will ever happen to you.
Go with your gut.
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@BRRABill said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
What if I wasn't a good dad?
Everyone has this question rattling around in their head when their partner is pregnant. I got some really good advice from my grandfather (who just turned 92, and a father of 8 ). He said, "The fact that you are asking that question should give you all the answer you need."
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@wirestyle22 Coming at this another way, if you feel like your fear would be crippling, have you considered doing some counseling to deal with the fear?
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Seriously though there is always fear when you are responsible for someone else. But the love and joy and other rewards are pretty awesome. As much as I have wanted to choke and kill my kid from time to time (he is 18 now). He is one of my best friends and I wouldn't trade all the bad stuff that came with him for anything. And not to revel anything but the bad for us was really bad at one point in time.
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@travisdh1 said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@wirestyle22 Don't not do something just because you're scarred, ever! Especially kids! The one and only thing that me and my wife regretted was her inability to have children. Yes, tragedies do happen, but they're the vast minority.
Most things, like cancer, are also totally treatable without the insanity the US puts people through. Mexico (yeah, seems crazy I know) chrisbeatcancer.com story. It's all about what you know, and you're hooked into some good places to find out.
We get our kids healthcare outside of the US as well. Cheap, easy and better.
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@scottalanmiller said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@travisdh1 said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@wirestyle22 Don't not do something just because you're scarred, ever! Especially kids! The one and only thing that me and my wife regretted was her inability to have children. Yes, tragedies do happen, but they're the vast minority.
Most things, like cancer, are also totally treatable without the insanity the US puts people through. Mexico (yeah, seems crazy I know) chrisbeatcancer.com story. It's all about what you know, and you're hooked into some good places to find out.
We get our kids healthcare outside of the US as well. Cheap, easy and better.
I'll try not to open this can of worms again other than to say: Good for you.
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There are going to be some rough times. My daughter cried for basically the first 7 days of her life. It was really rough for my wife and I, but we soldiered on and a few weeks later she was smiling at us and cooing. The first smile she gave me was worth the days of crying.
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@Kelly Not above or against counseling. When I lost my dad a year ago I met with someone to make sure I was processing it in a healthy way. I think it's a useful tool
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@coliver said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@wirestyle22 When I was born I was given just a few hours to live. My parents took some very risky, and at the time experimental, steps via surgery to extend my life a few days. I went through an 8 hour surgery when I was just a few hours old. My parents didn't know if I was going to live or not, even if the surgery was successful they were warned that I probably wouldn't live much past 3 or 4.
I never wanted to go through what my parents went through. So when we got pregnant I never became very attached, she never seemed real to me. It wasn't until I watched her being born that I started to fall in love. It's really an amazing feeling something unlike anything else, it's not like loving your partner at all something much different but equally rewarding.
I'll echo @scottalanmiller and my parents. I would much rather experience this feeling then not having known it existed. (Isn't there a Shakespear quote for this?)
As an aside you should look into the effects of pregnancy on the brain chemistry of both the mother and father it is truly fascinating.
I'm glad you're alive man! That is a wild story.
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Let me tell you guys the story of why I feel the way I do about this. Laura and I have a family friend who got pregnant with her husband. They were so happy. Did everything right. The mother was overweight when she got pregnant and developed gestational diabetes (I'm unsure if that contributed to what eventually happened). They went the entire 8.5 months with everything being fine. Got their last checkup before giving birth and the baby had passed away. No real cause given as far as I know. When this happens so close to birth, you still need to give birth the baby even though it isn't alive anymore. This isn't a news story, it's a person I know.
As much as something like this would change me forever (and I really mean forever), I don't think my fear is for myself but rather for Laura. I can't give birth for her. I can't do any of it for her. If something happens I'll be powerless to stop it. That sort of thing.
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@wirestyle22 we had to fly back to the States not so long ago to be with family that had something very similar happen. It was nearly time for the baby and suddenly the very healthy baby was just... gone. My older sister was like that too, just before she was to be born, she didn't make it. It's been 49 years since my parents lost her and she is still very much in my father's thoughts every day (my mom passed over a decade ago.) That's not something that will ever go away. But I don't think that they ever regretted giving her a chance. Sure it's been terrible for them, and it took them nearly a decade to try again with me and after I was born they stopped (wouldn't you) but I don't think that they regret it.
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@wirestyle22 said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
Let me tell you guys the story of why I feel the way I do about this. Laura and I have a family friend who got pregnant with her husband. They were so happy. Did everything right. The mother was overweight when she got pregnant and developed gestational diabetes (I'm unsure if that contributed to what eventually happened). They went the entire 8.5 months with everything being fine. Got their last checkup before giving birth and the baby was gone. No real cause given as far as I know. When this happens so close to birth, you still need to give birth the baby even though it isn't alive anymore. This isn't a news story, it's a person I know.
As much as something like this would change me forever (and I really mean forever), I don't think my fear is for myself but rather for Laura. I can't give birth for her. I can't do any of it for her. If something happens I'll be powerless to stop it. That sort of thing.
Statistically late term miscarriages are less than a percent. Still births (where the baby was fine at the last appointment but isn't at delivery) are even rarer. I generally find comfort in numbers.
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@wirestyle22 said
As much as something like this would change me forever (and I really mean forever), I don't think my fear is for myself but rather for Laura. I can't give birth for her. I can't do any of it for her. If something happens I'll be powerless to stop it. That sort of thing.
It might change you for the better. You never know how life will turn out.
Just gotta love yourself and the people close to you and hope it all works out.
Oh, and drink alcohol.
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@coliver My brain finds comfort in it but my feelings don't
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Laura asked me last night what purpose our lives serve if we don't have kids? She's right. I would sit and play video games my entire life, learn as much as I could and then die. Seems pointless. It doesn't shake my fear though.
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@scottalanmiller I'm sorry that happened. I lost a brother similarly and I always wonder what he would've been like. I have 2 brothers and a sister. I'd still like another
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@wirestyle22 said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
@coliver My brain finds comfort in it but my feelings don't
Not to be morbid, but 80% of miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks. After that your risk goes down significantly every week. I think in the third trimester your risk is something like 1 in 160.
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@coliver Yeah. I keep seeing statistically unlikely things happen. I appreciate the thought though. Not trying to just deny it all
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I'll think on it. Thanks ML
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@wirestyle22 said in What Are You Doing Right Now:
Laura asked me last night what purpose our lives serve if we don't have kids? She's right. I would sit and play video games my entire life, learn as much as I could and then die. Seems pointless. It doesn't shake my fear though.
I know that a lot of people put their whole purpose in live is to pass long their genes, but I don't buy that, not as the dominate species on this planet. We no longer need to work that way.
You can use your life for whatever you want. What makes playing video games and learning below having progeny? Other people's opinions that what - and really I just stopped listening. People used to give me a hard time about not having/wanting kids. It's just not my mission in life, nor does it need to be.
